Class 3 AC Seperation + Collarbone Fracture
Class 3 AC Seperation + Collarbone Fracture

There’s something about a big injury that really changes you.

You see others do things that you know you can not. You learn to relax and not push your limits. To avoid pain instead of embracing it as an indication of growth. To do less than you think you can, instead of more.

You see that you are breakable. You are broken.

And, most scary, you may never again be as strong as before. It could be that your best days of physical ability are forever behind you.

You could be broken, forever.

 

All of a sudden, growth is not important. Healing is. You don’t want to get stronger muscles, or do more pushups, or practice parkour. You simply want to get out of bed and put on your shirt without feeling that twinge that lets you know you just reversed the healing process a tiny bit. Possibly forever.

 

You are forced to relax. Forced to think in terms of protecting a weakness instead of growing a strength.

You are in the negative, and every forward step you make in the healing process is getting you closer to zero. The best you can hope for right now is to get back to zero, and not find yourself forever stuck at a baseline of -3.

 

Every now and then, fear or pity sets in, as you consider that zero may never again be reached. And you must relax and accept that you are doing all you can to reach zero, and the rest is out of your hands.

 

And here begins the turning point: acceptance. You do everything in your power to not remain broken forever. To get as close to zero as possible.

And, knowing that you are doing this, you take pleasure in each day that you are not worse. A day where you find you are actually a touch better than the day before is a cause for euphoria. You purposefully let go of the image of yourself with a baseline of zero, and move your baseline to –10.

Nothing changes outwardly, but now you are not scared of never finding zero again. You simply want to ensure you don’t go below –10, and go higher than –10 when at all possible.

 

Could this be what old age feels like? Always trying to not fall backwards, instead of trying to move forward? Thinking in terms of weakness instead of strength?

The thought that this could be a permanent state of mind at one point is terrifying.

And yet, right now, there is little you can do. Except see if you can get back to zero so that you can look towards growth again. And hope, just hope, that you will not be broken forever.

I surrendered. I lasted 26 days without masturbating, and then surrendered.

I had been watching porn and pleasuring myself to it since the second week in, but had never allowed myself to climax. A practice which I highly recommend to all who are interested, as it familiarizes you with your point of no return, and how your sexual body operates.

It also teaches you to choose to stop the pleasure, so that you are never a slave to it. Instead, it is a thing you enjoy using, but can stop at any time. Essentially, it helps make is to that sex will not become an addiction that gets in the way of life.

 

So, yesterday while doing this, I finally went just a step too far and passed the point of no return. I came.

After 26 days, it was euphoric. The rest of the night was spent in an afterglow of mental and physical relaxation.

 

Tomorrow, I will make a post of lessons learned from the no masturbation experiment.

No Masturbation Wet Dream

So I wake up on the morning of the 23rd, and sink back into the cushions for a bit more relaxation.

I slip back into dreaming, and find myself sitting in a restaurant next to a cutie. It’s quite a bit more of a complicated and twisted dream than that, but there’s no point on delving into it now.

 

At one point, I kiss her. Just a kiss. And boom, I feel the energy of intensely pleasurable muscle contractions in my loins. The feeling of something warm in my boxers wakes me up to the real world.

There it is. After 25 days, my body finally found sexual release. So now what? Is my thesis true: will I now loose creativity and productivity and motivation?

 

Yes.

 

I felt tired and lax the rest of the day. I would have stayed inside all day, except that I had a salsa class to go to. I didn’t really do any work, and just felt tired all day long.

Creativity: Gone

Productivity & Drive: Gone

Urge to Masturbate: Still high

Sexuality: Still high

 

Not masturbating does increase your drive and productivity. It does make you happier with your days, and more incentivized to go and do something.

Another chunk of this weeks goal review and planning session.

What I learned this week. It’s been quite a great week, looking back (a tough one getting through though).

 

What major lesson(s) did I learn this week?

  • If someone does something for you, they are more likely to think well of you and do more things for you. Even more than if you do something nice for them. Learned by Benjamin Franklin
  • The “tired wall” is just a mindset. When you feel too tired to work, you’re probably not. You just need to give it another few mintues and you’ll be back in swing.
  • Sometimes the world just seems to want to shut you down. When it does, take things a bit easy but don’t stagnate, write your pains out, be with friends if you have them, and keep pushing forward with creation.
  • Female attraction is (apparently) based on status and aggressiveness. Status, that is resources, is displayed by mindset. Aggressiveness is displayed by being unafraid and honest with your sexuality.

 

What meaningful quotes did I find this week?

  • “I have endeavoured to convince young persons that no qualities were so likely to make a poor man’s fortune as those of probity (goodness) and integrity (honesty, inner and outer oneness).” – Benjamin Franklin
  • “He that has once done you kindness will be more likely to do you another, than he who you yourself have obliged” – Benjamin Franklin

What sources of inspiration did I find this week?

  • Radiolab remix on how you spend your life in blocks of time (like 4 years worth of waiting in line, 2 months having sex, and a year worth of thinking about death), inspired me to spend more of my time doing interesting and awesome shit (like trying to do a trick at a skate park and fracturing my collar bone).
  • The book about attracting women with honesty inspired me to be more real with the world, and less afraid.

I think you can probably get some good ideas and maybe even whole goals from this.

It came directly from my weekly goal review and planning today, and turned out pretty awesome.

I’ll be doing a whole series on how I create, track, and plan my goals. More on that soon.

 

Onto the goals!

What are my high level goals, and how do I want them to look when I’m 23?

  • Adventerous Rebel Physique: I will have a body capable of taking on any physical challenges. I will have the balance of a parkour jumper, the flexability of a yogi, the endurance of a marathoner, the grace & swiftness of a dancer, and the strength of a construction worker, the sexual control of a great lover. My mind will be fueled by great foods and habits, and both mind and body will always be running at optimal levels.
  • Absolute Financial Abundance: I will have the money and ability to make it to fuel every goal and adventure I have. I will be able to constantly travel, eat healthily, buy cool toys and adventrues when I want them, never worry about small maintenance stuff, and make large amounts of money when I want them. My regular income will be enough to fuel a life of health, travel, learning, and adventure with little continual time investment (I expect this to look like an automated $3500/month), and I will have the skills to jump in and make $10,000 in two months when I want it. I will also get to a point where I am skilled at the making of money, and am making it as a side benefit of this skill and my interests, instead of making through the desire to make it.
  • Congruence With My Deepest Self: I will create in myself a healthy mindset that allows me to become the best version of myself I can be, and reflect that into the world. This mindset will consist of honesty, seeing reality, fearlessness, choice & decisiveness, enjoyment, and probably others I have yet to look at.

Honesty: being completely true to myself, never trying to fool myself, knowing how I act and adjusting to it. Never lying out of fear, keeping my promises, and having no fear of sharing what is real with everyone.

Seeing Reality: Having a flexible and fluid view of reality, open to change and growth. Never getting so attached to any idea or mental picture that I blind myself to it’s faults.

Fearlessness: With the exception of fear of immediate danger, I will never operate on fear. Choices in which fear is a factor will be approached by first looking at the worst and best case scenarios, coming to terms with them & accepting them, and then choosing what best aligns with my goals.

Choice & Decisiveness: I will look at all things with the mindset of having a huge array of choices I can choose from. I will look at these options, look for more, and pick the one that I think will best align with my goal. Once I make my choice, I will be decicisive, not questioning it or hesitating in executing it.

Enjoyment: I will always enjoy the moment and what I have devoted it to. The mere fact that I exist and can feel whatever it is that I’m feeling makes this moment amazing and gorgeous beyond comprehension. I will have a deep understanding and love for this fact, and will never have an unenjoyable moment. This does not mean I will not be sad or depressed or heartbroken or in pain or angry, but that I will enjoy these emotions.

  • Worldwide Life Enhancing Family: I will have a family & friend base of amazing, real, fear defying, life enjoying people all over the world. People who I will be inspired by and learn from just by being around, and who I can do the same to in return. I will always be able to get a partner and a teacher for whatever goal or adventrue I choose, and my name will be pleasurably recognized by my mentors. I will always have at least one romantic relationship going on with a girl who is sexy, interesting, inspiring, and improving. I will be adept and comfortable and enjoying all social situations.
  • Integration of Self Actualization Habits: This is closly related to Congruence With My Deepest Self, but this is much more growth and self-improvement oriented. I will develop in myself the mindset of focusing on and enjoying whatever I do, and doing things that will bring me the greatest return. I will feel no desire to waste time on stagnation activities, but will instead spend my down time resting completely (naps, walks, meditation), learning for fun (blogs, interesting books), or being active in another area (switching between mental and physical activities). I will always be 100% focused on the moment I am in, what I have devoted it to, and what is most important. I will have set goals for every area in my life (even if that goal is simply to have no goals, as it currently is in my relaxed social life), have milestones and tracking so that I know where I am in relation to these goals.
  • Exploration & Enjoyment of My Reality: I will live life for the enjoyment and fulfillment that I can make in it. I will travel often and deeply, learn tons of skills that interest me (like parkour, dance, guitar, sexual mastery, etc.), and just generally live for the purpose of really exploring and enjoying life. This goal is ultimately why I am pursuing all my other goals, because they help me build a life in which I can really enjoy life.

Cheers,

– Eddy

It’s nearly torture. I can constantly feel a tingling energy in my loins, like a faint electricity or the memory of pleasure.

My sexuality has definitely gone up, and I’ve gotten in touch with more gorgeous and sexy girls in the last 4 days than I did in the 3 months before. I’ve exchanged contact info with a kinky model, a powerfully sexy minor, a breathtaking painter, and a cute art girl with the most classily sexy dress I’ve ever seen (it literally stopped me).

I don’t want to masturbate, because it would feel like a shitty way to discharge this energy. In fact, masturbation repulses me right now. I watch porn (breaking one minor rule of this experiment), so that I can enjoy the image of a woman getting pleasure, but I do not want to touch myself. I simply want to fuck. Hard.

I was talking with a friend today who has also done this (albeit for two weeks, not four) and we riffed on how this increases your productivity and creativity and drive to do things and sexual drive. You rarely feel burnt out and are always ready to go.

But it’s also maddening. It’s gotten to a point where it will occasionally distract me from my work I will see a cute girl, in reality or on my laptop, and become inexorably sexual. If she is in reality, I will often approach her (FAR more than I would have before this experiment). If she is not, I will simply go mad with desire.

But, as you can clearly read, my creativity has gone way up. My writing is currently sensational.

Creativity = Up

Productivity = Up

Urge To Masturbate = Non-existent. Often a repulsion.

Urge to fuck hard and gently = Nearly irresistible.

Sexuality = Higher than ever before.

This is the sweetest torture I have yet known. Oh god the next woman I’m with will be unforgettable.

Living Alone

 

Exactly 6 months from yesterday (on April 15 2012), I arrived in Montreal alone, broke, and homeless.

Now I am living in my own house, I have friends and a social life, and I’m still broke.

Here is what I’ve learned this past half-year about the realities of leaving your parents’ house and living on your own for the first time.

Note: Most of this advice gears towards living with very little money. If you want a job, it will be even easier.

Living Alone Is Freedom

There is nothing more stress releasing and freedom providing than moving out of your oppressive parents’ house and living on your own. And when I say oppressive, I mean in that controlling and infuriating way that all parents seem to become as we grow into adults.

You don’t have to hear their opinions, or fight for your freedoms, or tell them to stop trying to control you, or deal with all that heavy and annoying stuff they do.

Food might be harder to get, and it might be colder in winter, and your bed might not be as comfy, but you mind will be free and you will be in complete control of your life.

This, to me, is the greatest advantage of moving out of your parents house and living on your own.

The Bare Necessities Will Come

The bare necessities are simply shelter and food. I have no money, and yet these two things never run out for me.

In my case, my shelter first came from people I met at couchsurfer.com. These cool people will host you on their couches for a few days/weeks for free. Just make sure you make it clear that you have no money, as it is common to give your hosts some food or gifts in return.

Then a friend I’d found (I’ll tell you how to do this later), mentioned that he had a run down apartment he could give me rent-free for a while, in return for doing some chores and paying for the electricity I use. I still live in this apartment.

This exact case scenario may not happen to you, but it shows that finding a place to live is not that hard, even when you have no money.

And, of course, you can just keep moving between couchsurfer hosts until you find a place to stay. I lived for about 4 months solely on the couches of couchsurfers when I left home to backpack around Ontario.

 

For food, I have never run out and will never run out. That said, I do not get much choice in what I eat and so often eat foods that are not optimally healthy.

For a long time, a ‘friend’ of mine stole food.  I’m not recommending you do this (and will accept no legal obligations), but a smart person can avoid getting noticed and can steal quite a large amount of food. Recently, my friend’s life-philosophies have changed so that this is now against their morals (thanks to Atlas Shrugged), and so they don’t steal anymore.

I have also been given food by friends. When people know that you are low on food & money, they will often help you out. From giving me their leftovers or the non-perishables they never eat, to actually taking me grocery shopping, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my friends (and mother) for helping me out with my food.

I have also taken food that restaurants throw out. At the end of the day, fast-food restaurants will often have left over food that nobody ordered. Since this will not keep till tomorrow, it is thrown out. Doing this, I have found meat pies, pasta dishes, bread, whole pizzas, packaged and uneaten burgers. The best places to do this are pizza places and fast food restaurants.

And, of course, I have bought food when I have money. The best food, in my opinion, is eggs. They are nutritious, versatile, and very cheap. Bananas are also cheap.

The More You Can Rough It, The Easier It Will Be

For a long time, my bed was a horrible small spring mattress that dug into my back. This did not bother me, nor did it stop me from getting laid.

My house is very cold & I cannot afford heat. So I wear layers and close windows.

I cannot afford new shoes or clothing. So I wear them until they are totally worn out, and patch them up when I can.

My shower is small and smells weird. My walls are light pink. My toilet clogs often. My microwave is broken.

But these are all little things that won’t bug you if you’re okay with roughing it.

And, if you’re not, just get a job and most of these will be easily fixable.

Get A Bike

Transportation is expensive, and staying home alone all the time is depressing. The solution: get a bike. I found a good one for $50, and a second was loaned to me by a friend.

With a bike in a city, you can get virtually anywhere within 45 minutes.

Making Friends Is Easy

Here is the guaranteed formula for making new friends:

Get online and find groups built around some of your interests. These can be meetup.com groups, forums, local facebook groups, social networks, etc.

Then find out when they meet up, and go there.

You’ll have new friends almost immediately.

Loneliness Sucks

If you live alone and work alone, loneliness can really creep in on you. Coming home at the end of every day to silence can be depressing. It gets so bad that it can break you down and get in the way of your higher priorities (which it did to me).

The solution: make friends. And, if you work alone most of the time, reserve one or two days a week to just stop working and rest and socialize. It will save you from burning out.

Clean Is Important

When my house was a complete mess, it would weigh heavily on my mindset. Waking up in the morning to a mess is a horrible way to start a productive day.

And cleaning it is relatively easy. It usually takes me about 2 hours a week.

When you have a clean house, your mind feels lighter and you can focus and work better.

Making Money Is Hard

I have spent the last 6 months trying to make money online. Recently, one of my ventures has has it’s first (slightly) profitable month and is aimed at continuing an upward and exponential trend.

But, for most of those 6 months, I have made almost no money at all.

I refused to get a job on the principle that I wanted to devote all my effort to entrepreneurial work, but I have now relented and just begun hunting for a job.

So, making money is not easy. Not at all. I cannot give you a good recommendation about what to do about this, since I have not yet figured it out.

But living well without money is possible.

Update: I never actually did get a job…and about 3 months from now I win an entrepreneur’s apprenticeship in Bali, Indonesia. I’m living in paradise and being paid $1500/month. Just a bit of encouragement to the entrepreneurially inclined.

If you’re considering living alone, I highly recommend it. You will learn TONS every day, you will not run out of the bare necessities of life, you can enjoy it immensely, and, most importantly, you can handle it.

So that was an interesting turn of events. This morning I was feeling a bit worn out because it’s been an intensely productive week. After all that hard work, doing it again one last day before the weekend was a daunting prospect.

So, not desiring to create something and not willing to fully give in and waste my day, I just kind of idled while I battled between the desire to work and the desire to take the day off.

Horniness took the opportunity and pounce on me, like a tiger stalking a celibate gazelle. I didn’t see it coming until it had me in it’s teeth.

Must be because I used to masturbate to kill time when I had nothing else to do (side note: damn I’m glad I’m getting rid of that habit, it’s a total productivity killer).

So I eventually broke down and opened up my porn folder. I refused to masturbate, but I needed to see something sexy.

Now here’s where the weird part comes in. After browsing through many sexy pictures, I opened up a video. The woman couldn’t act, had fake tits, and was just fake in general. Ugh, deleted.

Another one, same problem. Bad plot, no entertainment, and fake looking people. Deleted.

A third time and that was enough. I wasn’t horny any more and now wanted to do something productive. I mass deleted all the bad porn videos (keeping x-art videos though, they are artistic and enjoyable), and hopped on my bike to head to starbucks to work.

Maybe it was just crappy porn, but I think I would have accepted it and gotten off, in a time before I started this experiment.

Looking deeper, the prospect of masturbation itself is just an unpleasant idea. Seems like a shitty thing to do with no real benefits. I don’t want to kind of satisfy my desired just to push them out of the way. I’d rather use them as fuel to get what I truly desire.

 

It looks like this experiment is really changing my mindset. Porn is less pleasing, masturbation is unattractive, and sex is the only thing I desire sexually.

 

Interesting.