Things are going oddly. My health is getting progressively worse, my computer is breaking, and I am not the man who fulfills Melanie’s desires in a man (nor, I think, does she fulfill mine).
Oddly enough, my grandma predicted this. She knows a ton about astrology and told me that Saturn is moving into my first house, which will cause my life to get a lot harder for the next 2.5 years.
Maybe this is Saturn’s first blows (he said with a disbelieving smirk on his face ;).
The funny thing is, I’m not worried. I’m not unhappy. I’m not scared (well, I am a touch scared about my health, but that’s just the fear of the unknown and some paranoia).
While getting sick, I re-discovered the stoic philosophy. I highly recommend this stoicism philosophy video to everyone who enjoys my blog.
So, ala Stoicism, I accept that this sickness could kill me, or make me permanently deaf or some other such horrible outcome. I accept it and will do all I can to fight it, but will not despair to see that my fighting is not fixing the problem. And will be happy as hell for every positive step.
And I’m beamingly happy that Melanie has left me in favor of some other lover. I do not fulfill her, and for her to stay with me out of fear or pity or self deception would result in unhappiness for both of us.
Instead, she has acted on what she most wants, and chose not to sacrifice her desires for anything. This is the most admirable quality I’ve ever seen in her.
I’m ashamed (that’s not the right word, but it will do) to say that I do not have the same ability. I was afraid. I was giving into a fear that I knew did not serve me; I felt she was not perfect for me, but I still held to her and have said “I love you” when I did not. Yes, of that last part I am ashamed. It was a lie, and a act of disgusting fear servitude. The last time I said it, I hated myself and immediately wished to be able to catch the fraudulent words and destroy them before they reached Melanie’s ears.
Now, I have a priority much more important than writing this very important post. I must prepare for a copywriting meeting. I’ll be back soon to finish writing this, and to write my day 5 analysis of the no masturbation experiment.
And I’m back. That last paragraph is important to this post because, with everything seemingly getting rougher, now’s a great time to organize and prioritize all the separate bits of my life. What has to be taken care of first, what can wait, what should be maintained, dropped, or improved?
I’ve chosen the next week to rally myself. I probably won’t write any articles for ChillHookahs, because it can stand a week without me. I probably won’t contact many new copywriting leads, because they are not as urgent as many of the other things going on at the moment.
I think (and, after writing this I’ll be sitting down and doing the work to be sure) that I will use this week to heal my body, fix my computer, clean my environment at home, re-answer the questions “What do I want?” & “How can I get it?”, and plan October according to those answers.
So, I’m off to prioritize my life (and read Ray Dalio’s Principles to teach me to do so better), and figure out how to get what I want (and what is is that I want).