Sex, impulse, and living alive

It’s late at night, when the rational part of me collapses out of exhaustion, that the emotional part of me takes over.

I remember that life is short and meaningless. That nothing can go wrong because nothing matters.

I know that i have to go do some stupid shit. I have to put my neck on the line and do exactly what I fear. I have to party with friends, go out on a date, smoke a cigar, and write something beautiful.

I know that if I don’t fail once a day, I’m not doing anything worth doing. Falling in love is hard. So is getting laid. That means I’ve gotta try at it a few times a day. I’ve gotta risk the worst (which is a no and a one-sided awkwardness at worst), to get the best (sex with a goddess, love with an emotional storm bringer).

The worst that can happen is a straight 1/10 on the life changing scale. the best? 10/10.

The harshest shut down can be shrugged off in minutes. But deep love still wont shake even months after the relationship is dead.

I need to take risks. Tell women EXACTLY what I think. Speak without considering the effect of my words. Live on impulse and enjoy every god damn minute. Just fucking do it.

Money dosn’t matter. I will hit rock bottom and filthy richness a few times before I die. Social rules are shit. They are made to control me, and being controlled is being DEAD.

The fake me is awesome. Everyone loves him. Except Eddy.

But I love the real me. FUCK that guy is invigorating. He brings life everywhere he goes. He get’s swept up in emotions all the time. Men wish they had the balls to be like him, women light up whenever they see him, and everyone knows that shit will change when he shows up on the scene. He’s a wild card, answerable only to his own pleasure. He’s a rule breaker and he’s contagious. The people who don’t like him, fucking HATE him. The people who love him get addicted. There is no boring middle ground. There is no pleasant fakeness. IT IS REAL. IT IS ALIVE. IT DOES NOT LIE. IT DOES NOT CARE.

The only rules it follows are the bendable rules of physics. Everything else is made up as I go along.

It’s so real. It makes everything so enjoyable. Every emotion makes me feel great. I’m never nervous. Never unsure. When the goal is “follow your insticnt” there is nothing to question. Nothing to second guess. You just do what ever you do and watch the effects ripple.

I know that, when I see that girl, (and I will see her at least once a day), I MUST open my mouth and say whatever comes to the front of my head without hesitation or fear.

To not do so is to shit all over the incredible gift of life that I have somehow gotten my hands on.

I have to stay up late at night. Something about night helps the real me get free.

I just wanna share me with the world.

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